How to Control Your Anger - What to do When ANGER Becomes a Problem

A Significant Breakthrough in Anger Management that may Save Your Life and that of Your Family…

Welcome to Lesson #1 of our

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During our FREE 7-Lesson Home-Study Course, you will discover powerful ways to control your anger.

Here's Lesson #1:

What is Anger?

Have you sometimes felt that the feeling of anger is unavoidable and that you’d better find a way to let off steam before the anger turns into aggression? Have you ever had a therapist tell you to stop holding in your anger? Have you ever gotten really mad and had a friend tell you that it’s good to get it all out?

Have you ever found yourself in situations thinking such things as “If I hadn’t gotten angry and fought back, this guy would have continued to walk all over me” or “If they had treated me with respect, I wouldn’t have yelled at them”?

These are all common beliefs and misconceptions about anger—even some mental health professionals accept them. Yet, none of them are true. Each is based on a myth. They are harmful because they keep you stuck in self-destructive patterns.

The five basic myths of anger are:

Myth 1: Anger and aggression are natural for humans.

Myth 2: Frustration certainly leads to aggression.

Myth 3: Venting your anger is healthy.

Myth 4: Anger is always beneficial.

Myth 5: A person’s anger is caused by others.

All myths of anger justify the expression of anger and aggressive behavior. Each myth suggests that anger is an unavoidable part of being human. This inevitability makes anger seem inescapable—and perhaps even gives it value as a human attribute. All of us have heard, in one form or another, that expressing anger—letting it all out—is the best road to physical and mental health.

However, you may already know from your own experience that something is wrong with this way of thinking. Has letting out anger really worked for you? Has it helped you live the life you want, or has it brought destruction to important areas of your life. Letting anger out does not work for most of us, and it probably has caused you, as well as others in your life, a lot of pain.

Through the research of experts, we’ve learned that expressing anger isn’t unavoidable or necessary, and certainly isn’t helpful.

Anger Myths

Myth 1: Anger and aggression are natural for humans

The idea that humans are born with a basic instinct for anger and aggression has been used to explain just about everything from marital arguments to global warfare. The thinking here is that instinctual biological pressures can push people past some built-in anger threshold. Even the APA - the American Psychological Association - contributes to this point of view:

The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.

Although this way of thinking makes some sense, it has one major flaw. Successful evolution has been based on cooperation, not destructive conflict and aggression. Even primates fight in an organized manner. They fight to preserve the species, not to kill their opponents. Acts of violence among species tend to occur in defense of the group, typically for purposes of protecting territory or resources.

When people feel threatened, it is natural for them to feel anger. But this feeling does not justify anger behavior. As human beings, we have always lived in small clusters of closely related members who have nurtured and helped rather than destroyed each other. Nurturing actions promote growth and survival. Violence aimed at one’s own group or family undermines the survival and overall well-being of the group and everyone who belongs to it.

By looking at the pattern of existence from birth to old age, it is quite clear that humans seek nurture and thrive when they are nurtured. Humans and other primates deprived of basic nurturing fail to thrive.

According to research, there is no scientific evidence to support the belief that humans are naturally aggressive. Waging war and other violent behavior is not genetically programmed into our human nature. Except for very rare situations, genes do not produce individuals that are prone to violence. There is nothing in the wiring of our brains that makes us act violently.

Despite popular belief, aggression can occur without any feelings of anger. Violence (even murder) can occur for a number of reasons that have nothing to do with feeling angry. A prizefighter aims to hit another fighter without feeling angry. Soldiers in the military train to kill other human beings, but they may experience guilt and sorrow more often than anger. You can feel angry without acting that anger out in violent ways. In fact, experts say that anger feelings seem to be followed by aggressive behavior only about 10 percent of the time.

Aggressive behavior is one among many choices you can make when you experience anger. You can learn to make other choices.

Myth 2: Frustration always leads to aggression

The idea that frustration leads to aggression was made by the famous Sigmund Freud, who believed that individuals are born with an innate aggressive instinct. He also thought that blocking the instinct for aggression only leads to it being redirected somewhere else. So, when you perceive whatever makes you angry as being too risky to attack (your boss, for example), you redirect your anger toward someone or something else that is less risky or threatening. Thus, you may redirect your aggression toward your boss by picking a fight with one of your coworkers, yelling at your kids, smashing something, or even kicking your dog.

This idea that frustration leads to aggression received quite a bit of research support back in the 1950s and 60s, but we now know that aggression is not the only behavior that can follow frustration and hurt. For instance, many Tibetan people were suddenly displaced from their homeland after the Chinese invaded Tibet in 1952. Most of these people now live in exile. Yet, despite the hardship they’ve endured, the Tibetans have refrained from taking any aggressive action toward the Chinese. In fact, their leaders shun violence and consistently encourage their people to practice nonviolence and compassionate understanding.

You will find that people respond in a variety of different ways to frustration. Some people will curse, hit, or kick something after losing money in a vending machine. Others will write down the name and address of the vending machine and request a refund by mail. Many more people will simply shrug their shoulders and walk away.

Despite new evidence that shows this myth is false, the persistence of believing that frustration leads to aggression is surprising. An unfortunate consequence of this misperception is that people use it to explain and excuse the anger they express when they don’t get what they want. Frustration is far too often seen as a direct route to provoking anger and aggression, and anger is rationalized as an automatic and natural response. Many people assume that anger is the only possible way to respond when things go wrong and they feel frustrated. This myth leads people to buy into the idea that they have no choice about how they respond.

The truth is that there are always choices; anger is only one of several possible responses to frustration. This book will show you a whole new range of choices and ways to respond when you feel anger and experience frustration.

Myth 3: Venting your anger is healthy.

The idea that venting anger to let off steam is necessary and helpful has become a part of popular culture. It originates from misunderstood statements by Sigmund Freud.

The myth is that frustration can build up over time; that it must be released one way or the other. Bottled-up, unexpressed anger supposedly festers in your mind and body, creating both physical and emotional disease and poisoning relationships in all areas of life. The presumed basic cure is to express your anger by letting it all out; to cleanse and purify your body and mind. This cleansing is supposed to clear the air, resulting in healthier and happier communication with the people around you, giving you a good clean feeling, and increasing your self-esteem.

Through many years of research, the venting idea has been put to rest. Blowing off steam is not beneficial. Carol Tavris, a well-known anger researcher, found that people who are most likely to vent their rage actually get more, rather than less angry when they do. And those at the receiving end of anger outbursts get angry too. You may have noticed this with yourself in your interactions with colleagues, with friends, or perhaps with your partner or children at home. It all starts with some trigger event, which is followed by an angry outburst, shouting, screaming, or crying; a climax that include physical violence; exhaustion and finally withdrawal and/or eventually an apology. Have you noticed how this cycle can be replayed over and over with no decrease in your overall level of anger?

When anger is let out, it is typically met with anger right back. Negative energy breeds more negative energy. Behavior such as yelling or even talking out an emotion doesn’t reduce anger feelings. Numerous studies have shown that venting anger typically serves to “freeze” a hostile attitude or opinion. Venting does not make hostile feelings go away; instead they tend to stick around longer and haunt you.

The bottom line is that venting is really useless. Expressing anger does not reduce anger. Instead it just makes you even angrier. Venting feeds an angry attitude and state of mind, escalates anger and aggression, and does nothing to help you or the recipient of your anger to resolve the situation.

Sometimes people do feel relieved after they vent their anger, yet several studies have found that such relief is not a natural consequence of anger, but rather a learned reaction. Some people have learned to feel relief following expression of anger, just as other people learn to feel shame or increased compassion after venting. You can learn new responses and change how you respond to your anger feelings. Your response to anger feelings with anger actions becomes a choice rather than a certainty. Acting on anger is not natural or something you need to keep doing.

Myth 4: Anger is always beneficial.

Because it triggers a surge of adrenaline, anger can mobilize you to defend yourself or escape when you are physically threatened or attacked. This is called the fight-or-flight response. Anger can help you set appropriate limits and overcome any fear you may have about asserting your needs. Anger is also a common middle step in the healing process following sexual or physical abuse. Yet even in those tough situations, anger isn’t helpful when the abused person is unable to let go of it. Consuming anger can actually leave you stuck and unable to move beyond your pain.

Anger is only beneficial when it serves as a warning signal that something is wrong. It can increase your sense of control and most importantly prepare you for action. This type of anger involves situations in which people have clearly been hurt or are at risk of being harmed. Anger in these circumstances isn’t fueled by general hostility. Instead, it is an appropriate reaction to a real threat or danger.

Fear is an appropriate emotion upon seeing an approaching gang of hoodlums while walking alone on a city street at night. When the danger passes, so does the fear. Constructive anger can function much the same way. But when anger spills over into other life situations where it is uncalled for, it can become a problem for you. Take a moment to think about how often your anger occurs in response to situations that have little or no chance of causing you physical injury or risk of death.

Anger fueled by hostility is anger in its most harmful form. Hostility or cynical anger is a state of mind of ill will fueled by strong judgments about yourself and other people. This type of cynical or hostile anger, let alone hatred, is never useful or helpful. It can easily lead to aggressive behavior, verbal or otherwise.

Hostile anger damages areas of your life you care about; harming other people at the same time it harms you.

Myth 5: A person’s anger is caused by others.

Anger experts say that they consistently notice that angry clients come into therapy with one or more reasons to explain and justify why they are so angry. Though the stories may differ, the message is the same: “My anger is caused by someone else or something else. I’m not to blame.”

When you’re in pain, it’s logical to ask yourself, “Who did this to me; who’s responsible?” As soon as you decide that someone else is responsible for your hurt or physical tension, the focus shifts from you to them. You can then feel justified in releasing your pain and hurt with anger directed toward those you believe to be responsible for it.

Anger is triggered by people and events outside your control. However, how you react to your anger thoughts and feelings is up to you. By shifting the blame to others, you rob yourself of the opportunity to make changes in your behavior—and you keep yourself stuck in a cycle of anger behavior triggered by anger feelings.

Normal Anger vs. Problem Anger

Sure, everybody gets angry once in a while, but most people know how to deal with their anger. Their anger tells them something is wrong. Then they figure out what is bothering them. They do something to change the bad situation. They check to find out how well their action worked. If what they did or said didn’t work, they think about it some more and try something else. If the action worked, they let go of their anger so they can get on with their life.

Here’s how the normal anger chain works. Normal anger tells a person:

•    that they have a problem,
•    that they need to think about,
•    and then say or do something,
•    and then check out the results,
•    and then change what they do (if the first thing failed),
•    or let go of their anger (if it worked).

The angry person sees things much differently. Problem anger tells a person:

•    that everything is a problem,
•    that they constantly think about,
•    and then they come on too fast and too strong with what they say and do,
•    then they ignore the bad results,
•    so they fail to change their actions,
•    and won’t let go of their anger.

Always Angry

Most overly angry people are also overly sensitive. They are too easily hurt, thin-skinned, and quick to feel insulted. One result is that they get angry all the time over things other people would ignore.

We all get tons of anger invitations every day. An anger invitation is anything that we could use as an excuse to get mad. For example:

•    The driver who cuts in front of you

•    The too-hot coffee or too-cold soda drink

•    Your partner saying, “Not tonight, dear”

•    A child who keeps playing when it’s dinner time

•    The lawn that keeps growing

•    Someone at work who leaves early and often

•    Just about everything else people say and do.

Most people learn early in life to ignore most anger invitations because anger is actually a lot of work. It can really wear a person out. If a person gets mad at everything, that’s all they will feel. There won’t be room for anything else.

People who are consistently angry have never met an anger invitation they did not like. They say “yes” to way too many of them.

Your partner turns you down. Great! That gives you a chance to complain for hours. Shake your fist at that inconsiderate driver! Yell at the kids! Tell off that guy at work once and for all! All of these give you an excuse to be angry.

Always Thinking About What Makes You Angry

I’m so mad at him. He treated me like crap. I lie in bed for hours thinking of what he did. I wake up in the middle of the night with my teeth clenched. My friends are sick of hearing about it. My parents won’t listen anymore.

To think and think and think about something is called obsession. Angry people become obsessed with what they are upset about. They think about the harm that’s been done, how troubled they are about it, how they can get back at the person who hurt them, and on and on.

The more you think about what makes you angry, the angrier you get.

A person can spend hours dwelling on their anger, but they’ll only end up more upset. Remember, anger leads to more anger.

End of Lesson #1 Thoughts

Anger has cost you dearly in many areas of your life. The myths that say anger is inevitable and helpful and that anger venting is useful, are all wrong. Listening to these myths works again you.

Point to Ponder: By not buying into the typical anger myths, you can learn to take charge of your life.

Questions to Consider: What anger myths have you bought into to justify your behavior? Have you let anger control your life? Are you willing to take responsibility for what you can do about your anger and with your life?

Here's what we have in store for you in the next 6 lessons:

Lesson 2: Struggling with Anger is No Longer an Option

Lesson 3: Discovering the Center of the Struggle

Lesson 4: Controlling Anger and Hurt Is the Problem, Not the Solution

Lesson 5: How Anger is Created

Lesson 6: Using Acceptance to Get Out of the Anger Trap

Lesson 7: Taking Control of Your Life

Click Here to Go to Lesson #2